Life, Shopping

The Rules Of Shopping (As Decided By Me)

Like a lot of millennials, I hate shopping in real life. It’s annoying, busy, and time consuming. Nothing is better than sitting at your laptop and placing orders at a click of a button, and having the parcels sent to you. It’s even better when you shop on places like Wish, that take about a hundred years to get to you. By the time it comes, you’ve forgotten about the order and it’ll like a surprise present, from you to you.

However, sometimes you need to just get out the house, or you need something from a specific store that doesn’t sell online (Yes, they still exist!). Today I had to go out to Birmingham city centre to get some photo frames from Tiger, and so I had to interact with the general public and people at large. It was… not great. Here are some general rules for shopping I came up with while trying to battle my way through Primark.


Identify If You Are A Slow Walker

Some people power walk as if they are a transplant doctor and they have less than 30 seconds to reach their patient and implant that new heart. Others walk as though they have all the time in the world. Both are fine. You do you.


If you are a slow walker, please think about your surroundings. I have a plan when shopping, I want to hit all the right stores and then leave. The amount of times I got stuck behind slow walkers today was, frankly, unacceptable. If you’re a slow walker, MOVE TO THE SIDE. That’s all you have to do. That way you’re not blocking walkways and causing widespread frustration.

Don’t Stop At The End Of An Escalator

I’ve had this happen to me more than once, and it’s beyond baffling. People ride the escalator, get to the end, and then stop dead. They’re stood there rifling through their bag while people are piling up behind them.

Here’s the thing my dude. The idea of an escalator is that it doesn’t stop. That’s how it works. If you stop, no one else behind you can do anything about it. You are a lawsuit waiting to happen. GET OUT OF THE WAY.

Work Out Where The Queue Is

I’m kind of astounded at how many times I’ve been the victim of queue jumping while shopping. I’m stood there waiting my turn, and some ignoramus has waltzed in, taking my place in line and getting served before me. I’ve never had a cashier point out their wrong doing to them, and I can sympathize. It’s a hard job and you spend at least 75% of the day getting yelled at as it is. You’re not sticking your neck out for more punishment.

I’m at the point in my life where I’ve run out of fucks to give, so I’ll just loudly exclaim ‘What, you can’t see me?!’ That’s usually enough to shame them into getting back into the queue. If you do this, know that you are being judged, and everyone in the shop thinks you’re an arsehole.

Use Headphones, For God’s Sake

There is something about shopping centres, and the public transport that gets you there, that brings out the worst in people. Normally, if you want to listen to loud rap music, you’ll put in headphones to enjoy it on your own terms. Instead, people decide that what they should do is belt up the volume on their phone’s crappy speakers and blast whatever godwaful Soundcloud rapper that they’re into right now.

No. Just no. If you do this, you need to stop. You’re not hard, you’re not special, and no one wants to hear it. Plus, your taste in music is absolute shit.

Stop Blocking The Aisles

To be honest, this last one works in supermarkets and the like, too, but it’s very relevant. There’s only so much space in a shop. Even the largest stores pack merchandise in, to entice you to buy. This leaves you very little room to actually walk around.

The problem with this is that some shoppers feel the need to stand in the middle of the aisle, umming and ahing about whether to buy something. Yes, you should consider an item before you purchase it. Can you not do that while blocking everyone’s way, though? It honestly scares me how many people seem to have no awareness of the world around them.


Ah, that’s better. I’m never going back out again (until the situation demands in person shopping). Back to eBay I go.

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